Accepting loss.

A lot of people I care about have died in the last 365 days, but this post is about something different. Coming to terms with the 'you can't take it with you' aspects of life. 

Last July I lost a thing that was extremely important to me: my fixens envelope. 

An envelope from my friend Julie filled with my most prized possessions. 

An envelope from my friend Julie filled with my most prized possessions. 

I still am having a hard time processing how I misplaced something so important. Maybe it was God's way of telling me to stop stealing things from other people? Maybe someone else needed this envelope more than me? (Though I can't imagine why someone would want a picture of me and my brother when we were toddlers...)

The thing that gets me where it hurts is that I can't imagine how someone would find a thing, that clearly meant something to someone else, with that someone else's ADDRESS right on it and not return that something to them. 

Anyway, Julie sent me a sweet Valentine's card last year, which allowed me to keep all of my things together. I had photographs of children I'd collected from vintage picture boxes in resale shops, a picture of Nicole Kidman with a cute hairstyle, an outline of a fic I was writing, notes on an essay I'd written about Cagney & Lacey from my friend Bridget, my favorite picture of my best friend Hannah, a polaroid of Bridget and my other friend Jensine together, notes from my friends, the sheets of pictures you get when a roll of film comes back, and many, many other memories. 

Remembering all of the things in the envelope almost made me cry in this coffee shop. 

Anyway, a few weeks ago, Julie sent me another sweet letter. Two envelopes, one inside the other, just like my fixens envelope. Yesterday I found a Trivial Pursuit card I thought was lost with the envelope. 

I decided it was time to start fresh. 

I put it in the new envelope, my heart heavy. I knew it was time to let go. My original envelope was probably not going to come back. I'm still upset about it, and I think about it all the time. How could I be so stupid? How could someone not return it to me if they found it? I hope someone didn't throw it out at least, if they found my treasures that they're wondering what kind of person would collect such oddities. It's weird to think that someone has a really intimate glimpse of my life, and that someone may just be a dumpster somewhere. 

I guess it's time to start anew. 

It's time to start anew. 

-Mac